The Blog of Mariah

Today was a rather uneventful day. We aren't here to talk about today though, are we? No. I wanted to talk about the fact that I am a loser. I've noticed that when I read a book, watch a movie, or watch T.V., I get wayyyyy over attached to the charactors. I was watching Degrassi yesterday and it was the episode where Rick had had enough bullying and shot Jimmy and tried to shoot Emma and ended up shooting himself and dying. I started crying. The look on Rick's face when the paint and feathers are dumped on him made me feel so awful. In the end of that episode, there is a memorial for Jimmy and Rick at the school and there is a song playing called Rooftops(Time Stands Still). The song is so beautiful it always makes me cry. I put it as my myspace song for about a day but I had to change it because it makes me cry. I highly reccomend it for anyone. It is slow and sad but amazingly deep and wonderful. When I listen to it(as I am now) I feel like a different person. Like Im not really me but someone else somewhere else feeling something else. Here are the lyrics:

Crouched down on a rooftop

In my mother's high-heeled shoes

I'm wondering if I will drop

Fly away with you

I can smell the rain coming

But I won't leave until it falls

I'm gonna soak in its downpour

Till I hear my mother's calls

Cause I am playing God

I am raising hell

As far as I can tell

I am all aloneAlone in this world

Alone, with youI carry

Spring rain in my hair

Weighted sorrow in perfect clouds

Bursting in the air

Wash away and drown

I am playing God

I am raising hell

As far as I can tell

I am all alone

Alone in this world

Alone, with you

The roof slips beneath my feet

As the branches back away from me

The softest grass turns to concrete

But I will flyI will fly

You will see

Cause I am playing God

I am raising hell

As far as I can tell

I am all alone

Alone in this world

Alone

I'm at school right now. I love my school. My school is amazing. My father hates my school. My school is an alternative school. We don't have structured classes or grades. We do exhibitions and get writen naratives. At my school we have to be self-motivated. Last trimester I slacked off alot but I'm doing better now. Britney is at the computer next to me and Corrine is behind me at the table. Corrine is complaining about her Digi-Po meeting time. I really wish she'd stop whining.



Later: 12:01 p.m.

Just got done with lunch. It was disgusting. It was supposed to be stuffed shells. but it was too sloppy. I wish i could just walk out right now. I dont feel like dealing with this place of these people.

Labels: school

Lately I've just had so much on my mind.
I have this girlfriend, and she's amazing.
But I dont think she feels for me what I feel for her.
and I really want to hang out with her but shes always busy.

and my "friends".
they suck.
not all of them, but most.
One of my best friends told me that another one of my friends was talking shit.
so i told another one of my friends and they confronted the one talking shit.
and she tried to say it was my best friend saying it.
I hate that drama.

then there is all the stupid family shit.
my dad got into a car accident the other night so hes on pain pills.
my sister is in new hampshire again.
my dad and grandma are all mad about my nose ring.

my grandmother holds me up to these high standards that make me feel like shit.
she is always like "oh mariah i sometimes think you're the only sane one in the family".
and that fucks with my head because she doesnt know me..
she doesnt know who i am or what I do.

now Im just rambling.
so im going to go listen to music now.
bye!

I love you Lizzy

At dinner last night, I was talking to my mom about my girlfriend Lizzy. I love lizzy, and my mother doesn't understand that. My mother thinks this is just a phase and I will grow out of it. But I wont! I love girls! My family needs to come to terms with it. It took a lot from me to come out. And the least they could do is trust me. But of course they don't. Everyone is too busy worrying about my damn sister to focus on me. The day I got accepted to my school everyone was too busy focusing on my sister and her stupid crazy meltdown to be happy for me. I wish they could just focus on me for once.

Labels: gay, lesbian, mom, pride

Really though darling, is it always like this?
Will it get any better? Any worse?
Will I wake one morning and suddenly
have good friends?
Will my father be nicer and my sister less crazy?
Will people stop talking behind my back,
and smiling to my face?
Will I wake up one morning 100lbs?
Will my hair be thick and shinny,
will my skin be soft and pretty?

The answer is no.
Nothing will change.
Everything will always be like this.

So I just got a new girlfriend.
Her name is Lizzy and I met her at Corrine's birthday party.
Shes totally sweet and beautiful and amazing.
I like her so much.
It's like, intense.

Labels: girlfriend